Cooking for omnivores?
I am a vegan and my son and husband are vegetarians. Our young son is having a birthday this weekend and we are having a party with our extended family. I am planning on serving all vegan food (veggie dogs in a blanket, hummus and carrot sticks, pasta salad, etc.) My father-in-law and mother feel that this is unfair to the meat eaters that will be attending. I don't think it's right for them to expect us to ignore our moral standards to purchase and prepare meat for them. My father-in-law has actually gone as far as to not show up for parties at our home because he was worried about the menu. We don't refuse invitations to their homes when we know meat will be served. Is it unfair to expect meat-eaters to attend a meat free party? I would appreciate your feedback.
Comments
You aren’t being unreasonable, and you certainly aren’t the first person to encounter this situation!
In my opinion, this shows that your family doesn’t understand and therefore doesn’t respect your values. After all, you aren’t just allergic or don’t like the taste - vegetarianism is for you a moral imperative. If you kept Kosher, for example, would they insist that you serve them pork? Probably not, because they would understand and respect this. So, first things first, communication is the key!
It sounds like this situation will occur again, so rather than focus on the party itself, take a step back and use it as an opportunity to communicate with and educate your family members. In my experience, these things take time - years even - but people do eventually come to understand and even make attempts to accommodating.
In the end, an appropriate compromise is to invite them to bring their own food - like a potluck - that is, if you don’t mind meat being brought into your home and being eaten in front of your children. Another thing that will help is to make sure that the food is spectacularly tasty and relatively “normal” - save the quinoa, flaxseed and tempeh for another day and serve chile, lasagna or something “normal” (which it sounds like you are with veggies and pasta salad).
All in all, while eating together is a very social experience, your family will not starve to death if they choose not to eat while at your house for a few hours!
This is surely a tough situation. People look forward to food at parties and probably fear that if it’s vegetarian it will be bad and weird and they’ll be left uncomfortable and hungry.
I certainly don’t think it’s unfair for you to expect that they’ll attend if there’s no meat (after all, they’re your family and it’s your house). From their perspective it probably seems unfair though, and I think a lot of this has to do with the unfamiliarity with meat-free food and the common (mis)perception that veg*s are srange or extreme.
I agree with vegetarian, that the family might benefit from a greater understanding of why you don’t eat meat. It could help them respect and accept the decision. It might also make them more willing to try meat-free food.
I also agree that you should offer them the option of bringing their own food, if you don’t mind meat in the house. If they feel like they have options, they may be more open to trying food that you make. So be sure to offer plenty of great vegetarian dishes. I’m thinking a veggie dog (or any meat analogue) might be a dangerous option because everyone will be comparing it to “real” dogs and they’ll probably be very biased against them before even taking a bite. There are a lot of vegan food boards and blogs out there, and they can offer a ton of great ideas, from appetizers to main dishes to desserts. This is a good opportunity to open their minds and show them that vegetarian food can be great.
First of all, I think the question that you should ask them is, “Are you coming to celebrate the birth of our son, or just for free food?” Secondly, as a person with an alternative diet who was vegan for over eight years, it has been my experience with friends and family that somehow my alternative life choices make them feel as though I am disrespecting or even demonizing the choices they have made for themselves, simply because my choices are different. Really, it has just been a matter of calling attention to the fact that their issues with my dietary choices are their issues, not mine. I attend many functions, as I’m sure you do as well, that serve foods of which I do not partake, and, as a world-traveler, I’ve been in the presence of many customs and traditions that are not my own. However, because I am not a person who goes to a social gathering just for the food (and, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE food), what is being served really has little bearing on whether or not I will attend. I couldn’t agree with Jolinda more on the “save the quinoa, flaxseed and tempeh for another day” front, as, just like when we are presented with unfamiliar foods, these can make people feel somewhat isolated and even embarrassed if they aren’t sure what the foods are, and if they are already on the dietary defensive, they probably will be too uncomfortable to ask. If these are favorites of yours or your son, I think following Jolinda’s advice in making quasi-normative birthday fare for the ocassion as well will at the very least ease the tension of your meat-eating relatives. Above all, I would let your family know that you want them to be a part of your son’s celebration because you love them, but that, as it is his celebration and he is vegetarian, the food will be foods that he regularly eats and enjoys.
Sometimes meat-eaters forget that they eat vegetarian food ALL the time. For instance, a side salad or side of veggies that they consume with a meal is vegetarian. Mashed potatoes are vegetarian, as are many soups… and so is cake (yum)!
This dawned on me in college - we had a really vegetarian-friendly cafeteria, but the options just weren’t as plentiful or diverse everyday for veggies. Meat-eaters could eat anything offered (and though they didn’t realize it, sometimes went a whole day without consuming meat), vegetarians could eat about half of the food put out, and vegans could eat the least (but, we all paid the same for our meal plan - boo!).
Your relatives can eat everything when they come over your house - and if any of the meat-alternatives are too scary for them, they have the choice to bypass.
When my wife and I (both vegetarians) got married last year, we considered the menu very carefully. Our first inclination was to turn the tables on every wedding meal we’d been served where there’s one sad token vegetarian dish, usually some sort of pasta, by offering one token meat dish. The more we thought about it, though, the more we felt we could craft a delicious, healthy completely vegetarian meal that even the most carnivorous of our family would enjoy. With the help of a wonderful caterer and family friend we assembled a menu that everyone emjoyed and many raved about. It was a complete success.
In the interest of helping out other veggies that may be struggling with a similar situation, here’s our menu and some comments on why dishes were chosen:
Appetizers:
* Mezza Platter with pita bread, crostini, olives, baba ghanouj, hummus, veggies, etc…
* Thai green papaya salad with sesame wontons
These are your finger foods, loved by all.
Buffet:
* Lentil curry with spiced saffron rice. This provides bulk for the meat-eaters along with protien from the beans. This was a mild curry that could be enjoyed by all.
* Grilled mediterranean vegetables with butternut squash polenta. You can’t go wrong with grilled veggies and we heard from many that the polenta was their favorite of the day.
* Ragout of spring vegetables with chick pea fritters
* Asparagus with rosemary garlic lemon oil. Everyone loves asparagus.
* Traditional Greek salad
* Assorted breads & butter
Dessert:
* Strawberry shortcakes. Who doesn’t love delicious fresh strawberries?
* coffe and various teas
There were a few things we avoided:
* Eggplant, though it would go well with the rest of the menu, is not liked by all so we opted against a delicious sounding eggplant dish.
* Tofu, meat substitutes, etc… For whatever reason, many omnivores have an aversion to tofu (et al.) so we avoided it altogether. Instead, protien comes from the lentils, chick peas, etc.
* Mushrooms, a common stand-in for meat, were also avoided since a dislike for the fungi is not uncommon.
The goal of a meal is first to satisfy, then delight. To this end, when feeding meat-eaters, you’ve got to satisfy them as meat normally would. This means loading up on protiens (beans), some sort of fats (cheese, butter, nuts, oils), and bulk (rice, potatoes, pasta). Delight them with flavor, color, and aroma. Finally, don’t scare them with stuff they’re not familiar with or don’t like. This goes for meat-substitutes, tofu, overly exotic flavors, etc.
When feeding omnivorous friends more casually, we’ve found that everyone loves pasta, lasagna, and stir-fries. Some of our friends also enjoy Indian food, which makes curries and the like available as options. All of these are easy and great for an evening with friends.
Feeding omnivores need not be difficult, just think of the menu you’re offering from their point of view, then make it as friendly and delicious as possible.
It’s a *KID’S BIRTHDAY PARTY*. Have it off the meal hour. Serve a cake that matches your needs and stop trying to kill 2 birds with one stone by turning it into a sit down adult dinner party! Let them eat cake (and eat dinner at home)
Stick to your guns. Anyway, are your guest coming for the meal or for the friendship and communion. It is their choice to not attend (and then he doesn’t get to see his grandson either. How long will that persist?
I’m a meat eater with both vegan’s and vegetarian’s in my family. I’m a firm believer that everyone entering my home should be made to feel welcome and comfortable. When we all get together I make sure that there is plenty of good food for all. I learned how to make some great vegan and vegetarian meals. No one has ever not attended a meal in my home and no one has ever complained about what was being served. I’ve learned to make more of the vegan dishes because inevitably the meat eaters love them also. Our family motto is accepting each other as we are and enjoying our time together.
Well said, Bill’s mom. The world could use more people like you!
My father and mother are the same about meat as yours. They expect there to be meat and it be fixed for them. They have gotten quite ugly about it. We are not vegetarians, but eat very little meat, so we comply with their wishes. They are elderly and who knows how long they will be around.
If we were vegetarians I would serve what we normally eat, but would offer the option of bringing their own meat let them know they can cook it on the Bar-b-que. You can’t make every happy but you want peace.
I agree that you should not have to compromise your values and serve non-vegetarian food. It’s silly, but some meat-eaters feel ucomfortable wtih vegetarian food, they think it’s “weird, gross or boring”, but the funny thing is that meat-eaters eat and enjoy vegetarain food all the time w/o even noticing it. So one thing that I think is a good idea is to not bring attention to the fact that you are serving vegetarian food at the party, and most people won’t even notice, so they won’t have the chance to even think that they are missing anything. Most meat eaters like foods like veggie platters, hummus and pita, pastas, veggie pizza, empanadas, etc etc. If you serve a fun variety of snacks, most probably won’t even realize they are not eating meat… Take care!
Have more of a potluck gathering and ask the meat eaters to bring a prepared meat dish that they like. Family is more important than food and they shouldn’t be alienated by different opinions about food. You can have all your foods and it may make everyone more at ease.
It seems to me that if the guests know that the host famiy is vegitarian or vegan that it would be silly of them to expect anything else. My mother taught me that when you are invited to a person’s home for a meal you are to be thankful and polite about whatever is put before you on the table. It may not be their taste, but by accepting the invitation they should at least be polite.
i feel that when you go to someones house for a party or meal. you eat what THEY serve not the other way around. while it is always considerate to take into account others tastes, this is no way should make you compromise your beliefs or morals. i believe it is wrong for your in laws to insist you serve otherwise. i am sure your friends and relatives already know about your eating habits. if they are still upset by the fact that you are serving non meat dishes tell them they can eat before coming. you are forcing them to eat your food.
I disagree that you should have a pot luck and let them bring meat into your home. I think that is very disrespectful to you. I like the idea of serving an array of delicious foods that just happen to be vegan. What’s wrong with some hearty pasta dishes, a big yummy salad and some crusty sourdough bread?
I am sorry that your family members aren’t more caring and tolerent. While my parents are meat eaters, they are completely supportive of my choice to be vegan and my mom makes a point of telling me what a great vegan cook I have become! Someone commented that family is more important than food. Some of us don’t consider animals as food. We know they are sentient beings who feel joy and pain, love and fear. I applaud you for choosing not to participate in the torture and violence that befalls farm animals. Peace!
I would either not serve a meal (it’s very easy to find vegan appetizers and snack food that anyone might eat) or I would serve whatever foods your son likes best and be done with it.
I would not, unless the family doesn’t mind the idea of meat, invite meat eaters to bring their own food and I certainly would not invite them to cook it on your grill.
I think it’s a great idea, if you want to serve a meal, to try to find foods that will likely appeal to all. I had to laugh at the wedding menu comments - much does sound great but not everyone likes asparagus and I can’t eat most Thai food I’ve tried! But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the occasion anyway.
My daughter is vegan, my husband eats everything, and because of food sensitivities have had off and on, I’m accustomed not only to being unable to eat everything myself but also having to feed children when most of the food served is unsuitable (or just unpalatable) for them. It’s common these days for most of us to eat before we go to a relative’s house for dinner, and to plan to eat again upon our return. We’ve survived so far and I believe others can do so also.
If your family hosted dinner guests from a country where dogmeat was the norm, I am sure they wouldn’t feel obligated to cook up a puppy! An extreme example, yet not too far off the mark from expecting a vegetarian to serve an animal as food when it goes against their value system.
I like to find out some of my guests’ fave foods and serve them up even if they’re not my favorites (I don’t care for olives personally but my good friend adores them, so I happily made a dish that included a variety of gourmet olives when she came to dinner recently). So it’s not that I’m against making guests feel comfortable and trying to cook up things I know they’ll love — that is quite different than serving meat since it’s not a matter of personal taste at all, it is a matter of ethics.
As many mentioned in the posts above omnivores eat yummy vegan food all the time without even realizing it! I agree it’s a great idea to downplay the “vegan-ness” of it all since omnivores many times can feel like you are making a judgment on them when really you are just living by your own ethics, doing what you are comfortable with. Some good ideas listed above were to serve “normal” foods that non-vegans are used to rather than getting really exotic with fantastic vegan dishes (save those for your more open-minded friends at another party). I recently hosted a party (most guests were omnivores) and served all-vegan appetizers — roasted veggies, pita & hummus, brushetta, chips & fresh salsa, sliced fruit, etc.— I don’t think anyone even noticed there was no meat around.
Oh wow, Steve - good analogy! And on a completely unrelated (to puppies, that is) note, yummmmmm bruschetta…..
I have been invited to my grandchildrens birthdays, and they always choose the menu. They are little kids, having the party, the grandparents, the gifts, is very special to them. I eat what they choose, usually, raman and tater tots! Is it my choice for dinner, of course not. I am at THEIR party. When in Rome, do what the Romans do. Eat what your hosts serve, be gracious, and be quiet. Besides, demanding people are rude. Why invite them?
Ramen and tater tots! I change my advice, you should serve ramen and tater tots at this birthday party! Whee!
my opinion is this: 1) they sould come to see you and the baby, not to EAT. 2) veg food does not have to be dull. do they just eat meat nonstop? of course they do not. i bet some grilled vegetables, nice fruit etc is somehting they will like. 3) i do not expect people preparing special food for me when i attend a party-why should meat eaters expect you to do something you do not do? 4) if you REALLY want to please them you could always buy some prepackaged salami or something so you would not have to deal with cooking meat, but if it is against your beliefs, do not do it. 5) just relax
First I must let you know I am not a vegetarian (yet), I’m trying but I do eat very little meat. I think that your in-laws need to be reminded it is their grandsons’ birthday and not just some picnic to come and eat. Serve the food that you (hubby and kids) like and leave it at that. After all, the guests are entering your home…how dare they tell you how to have a party! Just as you wouldn’t expect them (sounds like they wouldn’t anyway) make it easy for you to eat at their home. So, have your son’s party as you want, even let you son pick out the foods he would like to have and leave it at that. If they choose not to eat, they will not starve and surely there is something they can pick at…and they can always stop at good ol’ mickey d’s to stuff their appetite, get fat and clog their arteries. And…If they do not attend, then shame on them and it is their loss.
As a vegan, I do not expect non vegans to have food especially for me. I don’t expect this from my parents, nor my friends. If I am eating at someone’s house, I will ask if I can bring anything. The answer is normally yes and I will bring something like hummus that everyone likes but that I know I can eat. Luckily my friends and family accept that I decided to go vegan and they (mainly) support that decision (even though they think I’m weird or crazy). I have friends who have kids with allergies to milk or eggs that will even ask me for recipes.
I think you are in a tough spot, but I agree with keeping the event vegetarian but not making that the focus.
BTW, Todd, your wedding menu sounds fabulous!
I just went to a beautiful First Birthday party where about 70 people attended, each giving the baby their wisest words & having a beautiful ceremony to celebrate this lovely child. Ice cream & cake was served to all. The only thing missing was some music that we all thought of too late. Food? Never entered our minds.
If they are so concerned about not having anything to eat at the party they should do what I (and I’m sure many veggies) do before get togethers and that’s eat something beforehand. Or, if you don’t mind it, they could bring something for them to eat.
However, they need to be reminded (gently) that this party is about your son. You say he’s a vegetarian, so it would stand to reason that the menu is vegetarian as well.
I’m vegetarian and when I have parties, dinners, ect… I serve only vegetarian food. People are coming into my home and I should be able to continue with my lifestyle in my own home. I don’t expect people to cater to my lifestyle choices when I visit their home - I either bring my own food or I eat only the vegetarian side dishes. It has never been an issue. So people should not expect me to change for them either. Unfortunately there are a lot of ignorant people out there when it comes to vegetarian or vegans. I still get asked if I eat chicken. UGH!
I am getting married soon and my fiance is not a vegetarian but he is a vegetarian around me, out of respect for my choices. We are having our reception at a local restuarant (my favorite!) that only buys produce/meat from local farmers who raise their livestock humanely. That is the only way I could feel comfortable serving meat at our reception. I thought it was a very good compromise for everyone.
I agree with most of the comments and particularly like 15 and 17. I am vegetarian (no eggs), my wife and sons are vegetarian, eat eggs. I became vegetarian on moral, ethical, and religious principles. At my wedding, and other major family functions we have NOT served non-veg food simply because I do not see animals as food for humans. At parties at home, we do NOT serve non-veg food, and I would consider it improper (to put it very mildly!!) for a guest to bring non-veg food. My hard core non-veg sister and I have had fairly heated discussions on the issue of my not serving non-veg food. My firm belief is, if it is a matter of principle (and not of health) then please have the courage to stick to your principles and DO NOT serve non-veg. The thought of murdering innocent creatures for the gourmandising pleasure of my guests is totally unpalatable to me !! Hold firm. Keep clean !! Naozar.
I don’t know if you are planning a fancy birthday party or not but a lot of times my mom will throw a pizza party for the kids and they seem pretty happy about it. I just recently became vegan and I’ve found a veggie pizza without cheese is still pretty good when I can get my hands on one. Then, maybe they could just get their own pizza with whatever they like. I guess it would be a little rude not to pay for their meals but it would also be rude for them to expect you to pay for meat.
How about suggesting that they stop at McDonald’s for a burger on the way over, so they don’t feel deprived? (I’m mostly joking, of course!)
In response to Susan: I know! It’s like some people will FALL OVER from hunger if they don’t stuff a hamburger and soda down their throats every 45 minutes!!! (Apologies for the sarcasm, it’s a bit early in the morning over here….)
I have never bought meat for anyone, if my friend comes then she either eats what I do or buys her own meat. I have been a vegetarian for a very long time and so are my children (as far as I know)
A party for a child should be what the child likes to eat and then filled out a bit with some nice savouries that look like meat patties and are nice and tasty and salad dishes. That should please everyone and those who aren’t, well that is their problem, not yours
Do bend your rules. We have been Veggie for about 12 years and never had a problem with family enjoying my meals. I used some meal plans from Linda McCartney’s book of type traditional foods. Everyone loved it! Even the picky teens!! They even liked the Pad Thai! Good luck, never pack down on your values!
I think that family should be just as important to you as your values. I also think that you are probably pushing this thing on them a little bit. Its your sons birthday…have fun! Allow everyone to have fun and don’t let selfishness on your part or your family’s stand in the way of that. I like the pot luck idea, and if you don’t want meat in your house or on your grill or whatever…then have the party at a park. After all…compromise is something that most people don’t do these days. Sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.
Remember your priority: Celebrating an occasion with loved ones and friends. However, I recognize that those closest to us often feel they can control us. This situation is much larger than a food issue: it’s a respect/relationship issue. The purpose of raising a child is to become an independent adult. It appears that the veg-host is still in a parent-child relationship. My advice is to seek counseling so you can break out of the child status learn how to enjoy your status as an adult. As far as a food choice for the party, I suggest serving foods that carnivores are familiar with. Skip the tofu and “mystery food” and go with a meatless pasta dish and a flavorful salad that looks familiar to them. Just remember you cannot push your morals on others but you can be an influence. The party is not the time or place to push your point about being vegan. If others see that you are stressing over being a vegan, it won’t be anymore appealing than the weird foods (they think) you eat! Also, if you don’t eat meat because of the animal cruelty issues, don’t treat others with cruel words.
At my last party, I let everyone know in the invitation that the food that would be provided would be vegan, and that the BBQ would be off-limits to meat. (I’m not thrilled about cooking my veg in old animal grease).
No complaints at the party to the (faux) satay chicken nuggets, hoi sin (faux) duck on crackers, (faux) prawn vol-au-vents as well as baked garlic mushrooms, mini-pizzas and some other goodies. In fact, a couple of people dropped their jaw in surprise when leaving and finding out that the food was all vegan.
It’s about taste, not necessarily having to torture and kill an animal.
And don’t let anyone get away with “if you want chicken, why don’t you eat the real thing”. Idiots. “if you want to cut someone’s head off with a sword, why don’t you stop playing computer games and do it for real?”
Wow Shane, you sure don’t mince words! Great analogy and more power to you for, as Ghandi would have said, “being the change you wish to see”.
if you’re not comfortable with meat in your home, having it at a park won’t help. it is YOUR party.
think of it this way. if the original poster was a staunch meat-eater, and the rest of her family were strict vegans, and complaining that they wouldn’t come unless there was vegan food, how many people would dismiss the vegan family as totally crazy and tell the original poster to serve all the meat they want?
it goes both ways, folks.
Your father-in-law is an ass! Shane (37) is the only one to point out that as an adult, in your own home, your standards are the only ones that matter. Anybody who is so narrow minded and concerned with his appetite is not worth knowing.
Serve what your son likes, and quit worrying so much about an obvious overbearing oaf of a father-in-law.